Feb 15, 2015

My Husband Wants to Adopt My Children

Category: Pregnancy and Birth
Posted By: Stephanie

Question: My children are Olivia,7, and Jacob, 9, their biological father and his entire family has been out of their lives for almost 4 years. We are in the process of arranging for my current husband to adopt them and we are at the stage of deciding name changes or not. My son is adamant that he wants to take my husbands last name and my daughter is dead against it. I've talked to them both thoroughly about this. I don't want to go against either of wishes but would also like everyone to agree on the subject. What do I do?

Stephanie

Answer: Dear Stephanie, Thank you for your question, it is indeed a difficult situation.  I think it is important to take into account that it is not just a name that is being discussed but two other very important factors, the question of identitiy and the question of their relationship with their birth father is intricately bound up with this.

You have not given any information about the sort of person their father was or the relationship the had with him until four years ago.  This would be important information to take into account in thinking with the children.  Your daughter was younger and may have an idealized picture of a difficult father, alternatively perhaps she just was just more of a daddies’ girl at one point.  Whatever the situation, I think it is important to use this pivotal time to help your children understand their feelings about their birth father.  At the end of this bit of exploration it may become clearer what to do, but you may also have to accept that at present your children have different feelings about their father and their name and for the moment would want to do different things.  It is also highly possible that this would change in the future.

I hope this is of some help, just some points to think about rather than any answers as it really depends on the details of the situation.

Best wishes,

Ryan



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